growing pains

honesty hour, guys. i really should be writing out note cards for bio or typing my one page reflection for creative writing or even trying to understand the oh-so-horrendous trigonometry. but here i am, being the irresponsible college (slash high school) kid that i am and writing a blog post in all lowercase letters instead.

no one told me growing up was going to be this hard. hard and monotonous and beautiful all at once.  it's terrifying when you realize eight months from now you won't go to sleep in your own bed or share a bathroom with your parents.  that if you cry in the shower a stranger might hear and think you're depressed when really it's just your way of coping with life.  that you won't know all the backroads anymore or run into people you know at walmart.  that your parents won't be there reminding you to do your checkbook or pick up your messy room.  that your best friend will be miles away in a universe opposite yours.  that you will have to find a new church to be a part of and attend.  that you'll have to study for finals without your mom and buy your own groceries and gas.  it all sounds so unreal, like a dream.

but at the same time, you're ready.  you have been ready your entire life.  since you were a toddler waddling around living room, you have been ready to be on your own.  to taste independence for the first time.

you know you're prepared, yet something's holding you back.  that voice in the back of your mind telling you, "but what if you fail?  what if you screw this up too?"

so this is me saying, "i may fail and fail miserably.  i may screw this up as i have a million things a million times before.  but life is beckoning and it's finally my turn to answer.  no matter what happens, Jesus will always love me.  my parents will always love me.  my dearest friends will always love me.  and in the end, that's all that i need.  my Jesus standing with open arms and the people that care about me more than life itself.  that's why i have to go.  for them, and for me."

better

"Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right." --Song of Solomon 8:4 [NLT]

Beautiful words that hold truth beyond measure.  "Don't awaken love before it's time."  Simple enough, right?  Simple, it is.  But it's also hard.  Not in the way some of us may think, though.

As a Christian girl, I haven't had much experience with the whole dating thing.  Actually, I haven't had any.  I've never been kissed, never held hands... I don't think I've even been truly alone with a boy (minus my Dad, haha!).  So most people would find me pretty much clueless.  But when it comes to waiting, I'm the expert.

I turned sixteen this past October, and when I did, the privelege of dating came with it.  Obviously I didn't run to find a boyfriend, and there (obviously) wasn't a line of anxious guys lined up at my front door.  But I still found my attention gravitating towards the male species.  I wondered what they thought of me, if they talked about me, if any of them liked me.  It was an ongoing thought, seemingly never ending.

But when God said, "Hey, how 'bout Kenya and teaching kids?" He added, "... and focus on that for a while."  Translation: Drop the boy thing, it's ridiculous.  Then when I read the verse above, I realized I was trying to awaken love before it's time.  Not as vigorously as some girls, but I was.  As much as I didn't want to admit it to myself, I wanted a guy to notice me.  And though some have (and still do), I shouldn't have picked my brain to pieces trying to figure out whether he might be My Guy.  God's got a plan.  And when the time is right, He'll show me My Guy.

Though many chick flicks are simply unrealistic, there's one line that perked my ears.  And surprisingly, I don't think it's a bunch of smooth-talking.  I think it reflects what love is supposed to be like.

"Jamie... she has faith in me.  She makes me wanna be different.  Better." --Landon, A Walk to Remember

Love-- true love-- will make you, well, like he said.  Better.  You'll uplift them and they'll uplift you.  Everyone will know it's right, because it is.  Sure, no relationship is perfect and everyone has bumps in the road.  But overall, both of you will shine brighter individually.  And together in Christ, you'll be genuinely reflecting true Love.

Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

it's all so meaningless

That girl that just took your seat in world civ purposefully?  Doesn't matter.

Your hair frizzing due to the ridiculous amount of humidity in the air?  Who cares.

Didn't make an A on your English final?  So what.

It's all meaningless.

"So I came to hate life because everything here done under the sun is so troubling.  Everything is meaningless-- like chasing the wind." --Ecclesiates 2:17

Does Jesus want us to hate life?  No, I don't think that's what Solomon's trying to get across here.  He wants us to realize how pointless this life is.  That everything we get angry about, everything we fret over, everything we work for-- it's pointless unless it's for the kingdom.

My youth group had a mini-retreat this weekened-- Friday, Saturday, Sunday morning.  And one of the main things that jumped out at nearly everyone was a thought of the speaker, Mr. Jay.  He elaborated on it, and the more he talked, the more God embedded this thought in my mind-- everything is meaningless.

See, Mr. Jay imagines there's a wall of fire before you get to the pearly gates.  And every person standing in front of it has a "ball of stuff" in their arms.  This stuff is what you've done with your life.  Some people have small balls, while others have exceedingly large ones.  You watched a chick flick last Saturday.  That's in your ball of stuff.  You shared Jesus with a second grader at VBS.  That's in there too.  Everything you've ever done in your life is rolled up in this ball.

Then everyone steps into the wall of fire.  And as your passing through it, you realize the fire's not burning you, just your ball. It begins to shrink smaller and smaller until you're finally on the other side.  You look around to find that some of the people that had those huge balls of stuff now have nothing at all.  But some of the people with the smaller balls of stuff still have almost everything they had at the beginning.

This got me to thinking-- would my stuff survive or would most of it be burned away?

It's all meaningless, friends.  All of it that's not for Jesus means nothing.

".. each one's work will become obvious, for the day will disclose it, because it will be revealed by fire; the fire will test the quality of each one's work.  If anyone's work that he has built survives, he will receive a reward.  If anyone's work is burned up, it will be lost, but he will be saved; yet it will be like an escape through fire."
--1 Corinthians 3:13-15

I don't want to just escape through the fire.  I want my work to have eternal value.  Because people's souls... they don't just mean something.  They mean everything.

firsts

Firsts.  Firsts are funny things.  From the overview, they appear to be monumental, exciting, and pretty much amazing. But when you examine the picture more closely, they're not as wonderful as they once seemed.  A lot of people wish they still had a pocket full of first-stickers that haven't been peeled and stuck above a word like 'kiss' or 'love.'  Because it turns out their first wasn't their last like they had once anticipated.  Instead, the first-sticker has been covered up by seconds, thirds, fourths and fifths.

I wasn't planning on going down this road, but here we are.  See, I haven't had my first kiss yet, and I've discovered that many girls find this ridiculous.  "You're sixteen and never been kissed?"  You've gotta be kidding me."  Eye roll included of course.  But then again, there are many girls that say, "Wow, I wish I was you."  I'm listening to "I Just Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Bublé. Oh, the irony.  Anywho.  The thing about firsts is that you can't get them back.  Once it's done, that's it.  It can never happen again.  Firsts are special.  Just ask anyone.  It's always the first love that comes up in the conversation.  The first roadtrip.  The first... whatever it was, it's the most memorable, because, well, it's a first. But many of us don't treat firsts important.  Instead, we slap on that first-sticker like it's no big deal then quickly cover it with a second, a third, a fourth... and the thing that was supposed to be so crucial to who we'll become isn't so crucial anymore.

Yes, firsts are funny things.  Wonderful, memorable things that we take for granted.  But there's one first that you can still change.  It's called life.  You don't have stickers that say second, third, fourth, and fifth to stick on it.  Just one that reads 'first.' And in order to make the forever-first everything it's meant to be, I think we should treat all the little firsts like bigs ones. Because they all contribute to the forever-first, which is kind of a big thing.  A funny thing, life is.  A wonderful, memorable forever-first.  And it's one first you don't want to take for granted.

p.s. you should listen to "first time" by brandon heath.

gosh, i love him.

A gust of wind

poetry and i are becoming close friends.  and i'm kind of liking it.

Life is like a gust of wind

That only some can feel

While there are some who spend it faking

There are some who make it real

They take note of every detail

Every breath and every smile

These people are the ones who tend

To make life worth the while

They embrace the sun with open arms

And let their hair flow in the breeze

They hear the song of laughter

And see the dancing of the trees

They are the barefoot runners

Racing in the sand

Ocean waves around their ankles

While holding someone's hand

They turn up the radio

To dance right in the lane

They live life with a mindset

That sometimes seems insane

Yes, their kind is very rare

The rarest of them all

While the world sighs and hangs its head

They keep on standing tall

You complain that you have little

Though they have less than you

You get angry in the bad times

And they help you see them through

The others, they don't feel that gust

Or all life has to give

So let your hair down; feel the wind

This is life; it's yours to live

p.s. my pandora's being nice to me today! souvenirs by swtichfoot, nothing to lose by mat kearny, i just haven't met you yet by michael bublé, and soul sister by train? yesssss. #pandoraforthewin!

still looking for the blinding light

"Still looking for the blinding light, still looking for the reason why.  Still looking for the sun to shine to take me higher and higher.  All my life, I've been living in the darkest night.  Still looking for the blinding light to take me higher and higher."

I'm still looking for the blinding light.

The promise of a better day to come.

The hope that keeps a spark in my soul.

A smile on my face.

A skip in my step.

A beat in my heart.

I've been awakened from my sleep.

I will praise You.

I am thankful.

So thankful.

I know I don't tell You enough.

I know I don't realize how blessed I really am.

When the clouds loom over me,

And the sky goes gray and the rain begins to pour.

I forget.

I run.

I get angry at You.

I scream, "Why?  WHY?"

And You patiently listen, carrying me the whole way.

But even in the mist of the thunder, the torrent.

I'm looking for You.

I turn my face to the clouds, searching.

Wanting something more than this.

Aching for more than the ordinary.

What this world has to offer.

Though I run from You,

You never leave me.

Though I stand in the rain,

I continue to seek comfort.

Security.

Restoration.

I'm still looking for the blinding light.

For You.

lyrics from "blinding light" by switchfoot

picture via pintrest