more heart, less attack

be the light in the crack
be the one that's mending the camel's back
slow to anger, quick to laugh
be more heart and less attack

--bear and bo, who pen inklings of me and put them to beautiful music

this year, i will live these lyrics. that's my only goal. i have been at college for four days now and this is all my heart can think about. i want to be noticeably different. not in the "oh look at that freak" kind of different (though i'm sure some will think that), but the "wow she is so sincere" kind of different. the "i want what she has" kind of different. the "maybe the reason she is genuine is because it's not her it's Jesus" kind of different.

matthew tells us that we are to be salt and light, bringing flavor and radiance to an otherwise bland and dark world. it seems to me that i need to invite everyone into my city on a hill, not just the ones that appear to be good candidates. each and every person that knocks on my door should be welcomed with open arms because they are a child of God.

"...let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father." --matthew 5:16

it is so easy to look past the people that are a little too clingy, a little too nosy, a little too partyish, a little too loud, a little too quiet, a little too good. what if Jesus had looked past you? what if He'd said "well anna's too insecure and always feels like she needs a friend. why should i die for her?" i need to clean my spiritual glasses, 'cause lately they've been foggy. rain would do me some good.

i stuck my hat out
i caught the raindrops
i drank the water
i felt my veins block
i'm nearly sanctified
i'm nearly broken
i'm down the river
i'm nearly open
i'm down the river
to where i'm goin'

Jesus, people, music.

In t-minus two weeks, I'll be a high school graduate.  And while middle college has been one of the best times of my life, I still had some rough patches throughout the past few years.  I'm not the advice-giving type; I think experience is a better teacher.  And despite all my knowledge gained from sitting in class (Hah), I've learned these important truths about life.

Put Jesus first, and everything else will fall into place.
If you're a Christian, this seems like a no brainer.  But as a Christian, I know it's not.  Truly making Jesus your main priority is no easy feat.  It's a decision you have to make every day He chooses to wake you up.  You have to say, "God, I am going to try with everything that I am to live for You today.  I know I'll never be perfect, I need Your grace.  So give it to me as I attempt to navigate this life as a reflection of Your Son."  There's a joy that comes with reading His word even if it's just for ten minutes in the morning.  I know I have personally seen proof of this in my own life.  I once heard, "How do you expect to overflow onto others if you're not filling up yourself?"  True that, Sam.  True that.

People are important.
I mean this in couple different ways.  For a while, I thought I could be a loner and be okay with it.  Not only in the context of not having a romantic relationship, but believing I didn't need anyone to sustain me.  And while this is right to a point, because really Jesus is all anyone will ever need, it's completely wrong simultaneously.  You do need people.  You need friends who will share in your struggles, laugh at your lame jokes, and pray for you on the good and bad days.  Secondly, people are important because they are people.  They are God's creation, and they deserve to be treated as such.  Forming relationships with those outside your friend group is beyond essential to living a Christ-driven life.  And I don't mean just casual "Oh hi how are you" relationships.  I mean, actually be there for them.  Make sure they're okay.  Be Jesus to them.

Music gets you through.
Okay, so Jesus really gets you through.  But music helps.  A lot.  How grateful I am for people like Matt Thiessen, Matt Hoopes, Steve Moakler, Ben Rector, Bear and Bo Rinehart, Adam Agee, Jason Dunn... just to name a few.  They sing for kids (actually I'm an adult... *cries*) like me, a shout into the void with the hope that a heart will be touched.  Well you have guys.  You've helped shape who I was, who am, and will become.  You deserve the world.

So this is me, saying I still don't know who I am completely, just where I'm headed and Who will be there next to me.  But in my 18 years of existence, at least I've learned something.

today is a revival

for a while i'd been really... down. i wouldn't say depressed, because i wasn't. i still found reasons to laugh and food still tasted good. i didn't want to shut myself in a room and dim the lights to think sad thoughts. but i wasn't living life to the fullest. and my heart felt it.

it's a hard feeling to explain, i'm not even sure if it has a name, but it's somewhere between happy and sad. it wasn't really apathy (believe me, apathy and i are well acquainted) and it wasn't nostalgia. i wasn't missing the past, but at the same time, i wasn't looking forward to the future.

this may sound silly to some of you, and that's okay. it's the truth.

i wasn't seeking God, and my life felt purposeless.

sure, i was attending church on sundays and raising my hand in sunday school. i was singing the old hymns and the new praise and worship songs. but i wasn't truly trying to grasp Him, to reach out and take what He was offering me. i wasn't reading the Word outside of church, or praying for direction or to convey His love to others.

my mom noticed my change in behavior (she's a good mom like that) and pointed out i hadn't been spending time with God. i didn't want to admit it, but i knew she was right.

so we started doing morning devotion together. and as crazy as it may seem, i instantly noticed a change. the world felt more hopeful, my life more meaningful. i wanted to take chances, i wanted to know people, i wanted to take it all in.

God is what makes life good. 

He has given us so much to be thankful for. there is nothing to fear, and so many reasons to love.

in the words of steve moakler, "today is a revival." and you're more than welcome to attend.

home

It was absolute perfection -- no.  Better.  I was aching and every part of my body was screaming for me to stop jumping, to lay down and sleep for two days straight.  But I didn't.  I couldn't.  Not when Matty T. was only a yard away and Hoopes was playing right there before my very eyes.  It all felt like a dream -- a beautiful, long-awaited dream that was finally coming true.  I had never felt so alive.  So at home.  The whole room was singing at the top of their lungs, every lyric memorized by heart.  Never in a million years would I have thought that here in the midst of strangers is where I'd feel like I belonged.  But I did.  And it was all I could do to keep from crying tears of joy.  Because these people got me.  They got me and they didn't even know my name.  And so I sang and I danced and laughed and prayed that this could last forever.  But as I well knew, all good things must come to an end.

Relient K was everything I could've hoped for and more.  The five years of waiting was worth it in the first second I saw the back of Matt Thiessen's curly head.  When I saw Hoopes' grin and the sincerity of the Matts' friendship.  All I knew to do was breathe it in -- to close my eyes and capture every detail so it wouldn't slip away.  These guys were the real deal.  Are the real deal.  And no one's ever going to change my mind about that.

While being united in the love of Relient K is seriously one of the best feelings ever, I know heaven will be that times a million-gazillion-trillion.  Because we'll all be united in the love of Jesus, and the gratitude we owe to the One who saved us from ourselves.

"Take a good look at yourself and know
You've got yourself a ways to go
But difficult is not impossible
You can take back all the lost control
Take a good look at yourself and see
That you'll emerge eventually
As long as your heart's not too far gone
From the only Thing that can save you from yourself."
hope for every fallen man by relient k

I have a lot to learn and even more to do, but as long as I've got Jesus, I'll get there.  It's reassuring that Matty T. feels the same way.  Him and thousands of others.  I'm not alone.

photo credit goes to my dear friend and fellow fangirl, alex.

sincerety \\ my new love

A lot of people had raved about Owl City for some time.  But I just kind of blew them off.  Electronic-y music wasn't really for me, or so I thought.  Wrong.  Adam Young (Owl City) is one of the most sincere artists around.  Of course, I still love Relient K dearly, because of their wit and their honesty.  But I love Adam Young too.

His love for Christ is so beautiful, so true.  I aspire to have faith like his someday.

Songs currently on my playlist:
Tidal Wave
Cave In
How Deep The Father's Love For Us [his version]
Hot Air Balloon
If My Heart Was A House
Deer In The Headlights
Gold
Sunburn
Metropolis
Hello Seattle
Embers

Adam, I love ya.  Not in a weird I'm-gonna-stalk-you way, but in a way like this -- you awakened a part of me I didn't know existed.  Somewhere that it's okay to be a kid still, even when everybody's rushing you to grow up.  A place I can dream what I want, no matter how far-fetched.  After all, reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't wanna live there.

heart juice (hope)

01 tidal wave by owl city ft. matthew thiessen
02 stubborn love by the lumineers
03 deathbed by God's chosen (relient k)
04 what if she's an angel by brad paisley
05 slumber by needtobreathe
06 if my heart was a house by owl city
07 please don't take the girl by tim mccgraw
08 life after death (and taxes) by relient k
09 the only exception by paramore
10 cave in by owl city
11 my way or the highway by relient k
12 solomon's ashes by needtobreathe
13 times by tenth avenue north
14 stones under rushing water by needtobreathe
15 bleeding out by imagine dragons
16 failure to excommunicate by relient k

trying

hey guys.  since i've pretty much abandoned you, i thought i could at least share my playlist of late, seeing as my music kind of reflects me.  so anyway.  it's entitled, "trying."

let it all out by relient k
losing by tenth avenue north
runaway by mat kearney
washed by the water by needtobreathe
beautiful by phil wickham
candlelight by relient k
holy by david crowder band
pretty things by tenth avenue north
Jesus, friend of sinners by casting crowns
give until there's nothing left by relient k
the proof of Your love by king and country
let it go by tenth avenue north
keep your eyes open by needtobreathe
where i belong by building 429

hope at least one of these speaks to you like they have me. happy listening.