keeping it real | collapsible lung

As all of you know, I am a major Relient K fan.  Major.  The Matts and the Johns can do know wrong in my eyes.

Or so I thought.

After a whopping four-year wait for their new album, I was expecting perfection.  I mean, let's be real.  After songs like "This Is The End (If You Want It)," my standards were set pretty high.  For those of you who don't know, the song makes allusions to Narnia and somehow works even though it's about a breakup.  Genius, I know.  Seven albums and I had remained completely smitten with these alternative rockers.  But when I began listening to Collapsible Lung, I nearly collapsed.

I was sitting at my computer listening to the exclusive preview on Pandora, and the words coming through my headphones were not what I'd been hoping to hear.  Words like bar and sexy and stuff you'd hear on the top 10 radio hits.  This could not be my Relient K.  They would never do this.  All I could think was "Not my band.  Not my boys..."

That's when I realized something -- something that I had never concluded before this album.

They aren't perfect.

See, I would've never said that I thought they were perfect.  If you asked me, I would've been like, "Well of course not.  That's what makes their music so good.  It's real."

That's the thing -- this album is real.  This is what Matt Thiessen has lived the past four years.  So he made some mistakes.  We all do.  He could've written with wit and charisma and stolen our hearts once again.  He could've swept it all under the rug like it never happened.  I mean, don't you think it was hard for him to release this album after songs like "What've You Been Doing Lately" and "Down in Flames"?  Don't you think he was worried about being labeled a hypocrite or a fake?  I know I would be if I were him.

Instead, though, he chose to be honest with us.  And it takes a man of true integrity to do that.  Matt, I just want you to know that it's okay.  That we all screw up because guess what?  We're not Jesus.  And no matter how hard we strive to be like Him, we're gonna fall short.  The good part?  He always picks you back up.  I know because a guy told me so.  He's a pretty amazing fella.

"When I go down,
I lift my eyes to You.
I won't look very far,
'Cause You'll be there
With open arms.
To lift me up again,
To lift me up again."

home

It was absolute perfection -- no.  Better.  I was aching and every part of my body was screaming for me to stop jumping, to lay down and sleep for two days straight.  But I didn't.  I couldn't.  Not when Matty T. was only a yard away and Hoopes was playing right there before my very eyes.  It all felt like a dream -- a beautiful, long-awaited dream that was finally coming true.  I had never felt so alive.  So at home.  The whole room was singing at the top of their lungs, every lyric memorized by heart.  Never in a million years would I have thought that here in the midst of strangers is where I'd feel like I belonged.  But I did.  And it was all I could do to keep from crying tears of joy.  Because these people got me.  They got me and they didn't even know my name.  And so I sang and I danced and laughed and prayed that this could last forever.  But as I well knew, all good things must come to an end.

Relient K was everything I could've hoped for and more.  The five years of waiting was worth it in the first second I saw the back of Matt Thiessen's curly head.  When I saw Hoopes' grin and the sincerity of the Matts' friendship.  All I knew to do was breathe it in -- to close my eyes and capture every detail so it wouldn't slip away.  These guys were the real deal.  Are the real deal.  And no one's ever going to change my mind about that.

While being united in the love of Relient K is seriously one of the best feelings ever, I know heaven will be that times a million-gazillion-trillion.  Because we'll all be united in the love of Jesus, and the gratitude we owe to the One who saved us from ourselves.

"Take a good look at yourself and know
You've got yourself a ways to go
But difficult is not impossible
You can take back all the lost control
Take a good look at yourself and see
That you'll emerge eventually
As long as your heart's not too far gone
From the only Thing that can save you from yourself."
hope for every fallen man by relient k

I have a lot to learn and even more to do, but as long as I've got Jesus, I'll get there.  It's reassuring that Matty T. feels the same way.  Him and thousands of others.  I'm not alone.

photo credit goes to my dear friend and fellow fangirl, alex.

perceptions

I struggle with feeling inferior, like, a lot.  And I'm not sure why really.  I just always seem to be one step below everyone for some reason or another.  But I should know by now that there is always going to be someone skinnier, smarter, cuter, funnier, happier, or nicer than I consider myself to be.  Because the people I see aren't always people.  The real kind that are honest and true and vulnerable like I try to be.  They're perceptions, images of who I make them out to be in this constantly over thinking head of mine.

It's not right, I know it's not.  The Bible tells us not to compare ourselves, I know that.  I can't help but thinking, "Well he's dating her instead of me because she's prettier" or "He's so much smarter than me, I wish I was a good test taker like him."

Maybe I'm rambling, actually I know I am, but I just need to throw this out there.  I can honestly say that I blog more for me than for you now.

Does anyone else only see perceptions?  Or am I the only one who feels surrounded by beautiful, smart, happy people while I'm fighting to keep my head above water and be "normal"?

"I don't want to be perceived the way I am, I just want to be perceived the way I am." -Relient K

i think i'll go eat cereal and stare out the window

I used to make lists to help me sort through things.  But they don't help like they once did.  Maybe it's because I don't write them anymore or maybe it's because I don't know what to write at all.  It's like my life's a thrown-together bulletin board that never gets organized.  All of it's in a big, jumbled mess and just staring at it gives me a headache.  School, driver's test, summer job, middle college, guys.... it feels like everything's being hurled at me all at once.  And a list isn't gonna help me with any of that.

To be honest, I just need to cry.  I need to cry out all my worries about the future.  My fear of failure.  My silence around the only guy I actually want to talk to.  My frustration with my parents.  My questions for God.  But instead I'll write it out, because people don't like it when you cry.  They think you're weak and vulnerable.  But I am.  I'm tired and scared and confused. Wishful thinking only goes so far.

Anna's the smart girl.  She's knows everything.
I don't know everything.  I don't even know who I am.

Anna won't fail.  She'll succeed in whatever she decides to do.
But what if I do?  What then?

Anna doesn't need a guy.  She'll wait for God to bring the right man along.
I really like you.  I'd like to be friends.  Why can't you seem to make up your mind about me?

Anna's the perfect daughter.  Her parents must be so proud.
We argue.  I don't always do as I'm told.  And I don't always agree with what they say.

Anna's such a strong Christian.  She must be so close to God.
I struggle to see Jesus just like you do.  And as much as I want to be close to Him, I've still got a long way to go.

Truth be told, I'm just your average teenager that doesn't know left from right.  I don't know where I'm going in life or what I'll eat for supper tonight.  So I'll just sit here and listen to Matthew Thiessen sing the lyrics that echo my heart.

jefferson airplane, i'm trapped and i am enclosed
but i won't complain, i'll open all the windows
jefferson airplane i'm trapped and i am encolsed
but i won't complain i'll open all the windows 

'cause when it's colder, i feel much better 
when i cry on my own shoulder
i'll just throw on a sweater and go

and i'll go, to undergo a surgery to purge me of this lonely mood
and my ego, the status quo, provides me with a decent attitude
and i'll go to undergo a change of heart, a change of clothes
and when i'm home, i think i'll go eat cereal and stare out the window