what i was made for

I wasn't made to piece together vibrant outfits that catch the eye,
Or focus cameras to take photographs.  I wasn't made to
Wear thick eyeliner or red lipstick or high heels that click as you walk.
I wasn't made to run miles at a time, or drink fancy coffees of all different flavors.
I don't carry a moleskin, sketch what I see, or enjoy only indie music.  I wasn't made
To read magazines and pose perfectly for pictures or be pretty.  I was made for
Running after little 2nd graders with curly hair named Apollo, and laughing
The good, deep kind of laugh that you feel in your soul.  I was made for dreaming of
Kenya and the people I will meet there and how I will hold them
In my heart.  I was made for 2-hour phone calls with Kathryn rambling on about
Relient K and our college plans that will soon be reality.  I was made for taking
Goofy pictures on Photobooth and schmoozing over Chris Hemsworth with Shan.  I was made for
Talking to Andrew about every topic under the moon just because.  I was made
To write letters to Chelsy and let her know she's not alone.  I was made to sing along
With Matt Thiessen as Life After Death (And Taxes) plays and claim him as my best friend
Even though he doesn't know my name.  I listen, I hug, I wipe tears, I tell stories.
I wasn't made to impress people;
I was made to love them.

perceptions

I struggle with feeling inferior, like, a lot.  And I'm not sure why really.  I just always seem to be one step below everyone for some reason or another.  But I should know by now that there is always going to be someone skinnier, smarter, cuter, funnier, happier, or nicer than I consider myself to be.  Because the people I see aren't always people.  The real kind that are honest and true and vulnerable like I try to be.  They're perceptions, images of who I make them out to be in this constantly over thinking head of mine.

It's not right, I know it's not.  The Bible tells us not to compare ourselves, I know that.  I can't help but thinking, "Well he's dating her instead of me because she's prettier" or "He's so much smarter than me, I wish I was a good test taker like him."

Maybe I'm rambling, actually I know I am, but I just need to throw this out there.  I can honestly say that I blog more for me than for you now.

Does anyone else only see perceptions?  Or am I the only one who feels surrounded by beautiful, smart, happy people while I'm fighting to keep my head above water and be "normal"?

"I don't want to be perceived the way I am, I just want to be perceived the way I am." -Relient K

today is just one of those days.

written on january 25, 2012; just thoughts of a high school girl.

Today, I just want to block the world out.
I'm tired of people and I'm tired of their antics.
I want the words popular and loser to be erased.
Feeling worthless isn't what I was made for.
I know that.  Jesus said that.
Then when do I feel like I am?
Why does my world seem to be empty?
Everyone else's seems to be full of life.
But is anyone real?
Anyone?
They say they are; they say they're honest.
But I don't think they are.
Because if everyone was real, we'd all understand.
We'd know we don't have live up to perfection.
Status wouldn't matter.
Money wouldn't get you places.
Clothes wouldn't label you.
You wouldn't be defined by your past.
Everyone would have a friend.
When someone looked you in the eye, you wouldn't have to turn away.
Because you'd know that really, they're just like you.
That they have fears.
Dreams.
Questions.
Passion.
Hurt.
Potential.
But instead, everyone keeps everything locked in their heart, unspoken, never heard.
I trudge through life with friends of my own, and you trudge with yours.
You pass me by, never knowing me past my name.
Never seeing all the potential lying beneath the surface.
No, instead we separate.
Our paths Y off.
You go your way.
I go mine.
You don't know me.
You don't know that I question my worth.
You don't know that I want to know you.
That I care about your past and hope your future's bright.
That even though I'm not "popular," I do matter.
I matter to Jesus.
You matter to Jesus.
That we're all His kids.
That on days like today, I just want to block the world out.
But then I remember how beautiful it can be.
Because He came to save it.