i wanna feed the hungry children

"... and reach across the farthest land.  And tell the broken there is healing, and mercy in the Father's hands."  --Britt Nicole, Set the World on Fire

Well.  How else do I say this. I think I know where I'm meant to serve.

Kenya.

As crazy as it may seem, God just gave it to me.  First it came up in a book I was reading.  Eli and Katie headed off to Kenya together in "Coming Attractions" by Robin Jones Gunn.  Then my mom brought me home an article about a major leader in Kenya tweeting to people in surrounding villages.  Then I saw this poster on onedaywithoutshoes.com...

I was like, "Okay, God.  You trying to tell me something here?"  And I really think He was.  Well, is.  So I've started researching. The statistics are horrifying to say the least, but I honestly cannot wait to get over there and just hold kids.  Is that weird?  I suppose not. But I've got two more years of high school left until I can, so the least I can do is learn about what's going on.

8 percent of the adult population in Kenya are infected with HIV-AIDS, leaving 1.2 million kids who have lost one or both parents. When this happens, many kids end up in the streets, exposing them to violence, crimes, drugs-- sights they shouldn't have to see. Others end up staying home to take care of sick family members, look after their younger siblings, or work to provide for them.  If they do have the opportunity to attend school, most of them are denied it because their family can't afford to send all of the children.

The physical needs are the obvious ones, but these children have been left with emotional wounds that need healing, too.  I'm definitely not qualified for the job, but I'm willing.  I saw this quote on Pintrest once that said something like, "God doesn't call the qualified-- He qualifies the called."  Then there's the 116 Clique song that always comes to my head-- "Send me, I'll go! Lemme go, lemme go!"

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying:
Who should I send?
Who will go for Us?
I said:

Here I am.  Send Me.  [Isaiah 6:8 HCSB]

I'm getting tired of going through the motions.  The mundane day-to-day tasks.  Empty religion.  I'm ready to follow God wherever He takes me.  If it's Kenya, so be it.  If I never have a husband or kids to call mine, so be it. I want a genuine relationship with Jesus like the one James talks about.

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.  [James 1:27 NLT]

I cannot wait.

forever alone?

I was in creative writing, undisturbed silence yet to be broken.  Casually scrolling down my Pintrest homepage when... LAUGHTER. And not the little "hehehe" kind of laugh.  It was more like "AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  Then, as to be expected, everyone turned to me and asked the obvious question: What's so funny?  I motioned to the picture above through my loud guffaws.  A few giggled, some smiled, but no one genuinely laughed like I did. Then I realized why.  I could relate.

If someone asked me my greatest fear, it'd probably be ending up alone.  No family.  No kids.  Just me and my dog.  All I've ever wanted is a husband and children of my own.  Just the thought of not becoming a wife and mother scares me.  A lot.

Lately I've been asking God what He wants me to do with my life, and I the results have been kind of baffling.

I think He wants me to be an English teacher.

A missionary English teacher.

Not a problem, right?  I'm a writer by nature and my grammar is decent.  I love kids and long to comfort the ones who need to be held.  I could write on the side, just like I'd always hoped.  It's my ideal job.

But what about the house I promised myself I'd build so my kids would always have a place to come back to? What about watching my husband playing with our kids in the front yard through the kitchen window?  What about late-night coffee dates in the living room after the kids are asleep?  What about the life I've dreamed of as long as I can remember?

My heart's sinking to my stomach as I write these words.  It's breaking knowing that the life I've envisioned may never be real. But it's also telling me this is what I should do.  That I should trust God with my future because He knows me better than I know myself. That He loves me and knows exactly where I'll be happiest.

"I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord.  "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future."
--Jeremiah 29:11

I want to protest -- I want to yell NO.  I don't want to prove everyone's assumptions right -- that I'll turn out to be the Jesus freaky missionary girl and never get married.  Then He showed me this verse.  Three times.  Three times.  And until this very moment, I wasn't sure why.  But now it's all making sense. 

"The Lord himself will fight for you." --Exodus 14:14

I don't have to defend myself.  He'll fight for me.  He asked me to be a missionary.  And I think I'm ready to say yes. 

pictures via pintrest