April 23, 2012

i think i'll go eat cereal and stare out the window

I used to make lists to help me sort through things.  But they don't help like they once did.  Maybe it's because I don't write them anymore or maybe it's because I don't know what to write at all.  It's like my life's a thrown-together bulletin board that never gets organized.  All of it's in a big, jumbled mess and just staring at it gives me a headache.  School, driver's test, summer job, middle college, guys.... it feels like everything's being hurled at me all at once.  And a list isn't gonna help me with any of that.

To be honest, I just need to cry.  I need to cry out all my worries about the future.  My fear of failure.  My silence around the only guy I actually want to talk to.  My frustration with my parents.  My questions for God.  But instead I'll write it out, because people don't like it when you cry.  They think you're weak and vulnerable.  But I am.  I'm tired and scared and confused. Wishful thinking only goes so far.

Anna's the smart girl.  She's knows everything.
I don't know everything.  I don't even know who I am.

Anna won't fail.  She'll succeed in whatever she decides to do.
But what if I do?  What then?

Anna doesn't need a guy.  She'll wait for God to bring the right man along.
I really like you.  I'd like to be friends.  Why can't you seem to make up your mind about me?

Anna's the perfect daughter.  Her parents must be so proud.
We argue.  I don't always do as I'm told.  And I don't always agree with what they say.

Anna's such a strong Christian.  She must be so close to God.
I struggle to see Jesus just like you do.  And as much as I want to be close to Him, I've still got a long way to go.

Truth be told, I'm just your average teenager that doesn't know left from right.  I don't know where I'm going in life or what I'll eat for supper tonight.  So I'll just sit here and listen to Matthew Thiessen sing the lyrics that echo my heart.

jefferson airplane, i'm trapped and i am enclosed
but i won't complain, i'll open all the windows
jefferson airplane i'm trapped and i am encolsed
but i won't complain i'll open all the windows 

'cause when it's colder, i feel much better 
when i cry on my own shoulder
i'll just throw on a sweater and go

and i'll go, to undergo a surgery to purge me of this lonely mood
and my ego, the status quo, provides me with a decent attitude
and i'll go to undergo a change of heart, a change of clothes
and when i'm home, i think i'll go eat cereal and stare out the window

8 comments:

  1. Listening to that song now! You summed up my life in this one post. Thanks Anna, it's nice to know someone feels exactly like I do. <3

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  2. This is beautiful Anna. So powerful! I've been feeling some of the same things lately, and I just need to cry. Praying for you!

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  3. Thanks for being honest, Anna. Another blogger just posted about being honest, and about the Christian girl bloggers who seem as if they're entirely perfect, as they never mention their mistakes, their failures, and how that's rather discouraging sometimes...I'm *encouraged* when other Christian girls my age share their struggles; not that their struggles make me happy, but because it reminds me that I'm not alone in mine. Sometimes it gets too easy to think that you're the only one who has any troubles in their walk with Jesus, so it can just be nice to know that it's not just you. ;) Thanks for sharing, Anna!
    Stay beautiful!
    Lauren :)

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  4. love it when I get to read your posts. I feel as if I am all of a sudden at a local coffee shop sitting in a conversation that I will be sad to leave... Blessings. Stay seeking the LORD (matthew 6:33) If you continually put what HIS WORD says first you will be closer to Him each day. IF you deny yourself the things that you desire most but instead PRAY to Him about whether to do so or not you will have a joy like no other.

    It is SOOO much easier to say that to you than to do it perfectly but I can attest to the sweetness that comes from just OBEYING the Lord flat out and staying in His word and praying that the Holy spirit would really reveal what it is that God wishes to share with you. He is always speaking. Sorry for the tangent. Love your blog girl.

    ♥CheChe

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  5. i've never heard that song but man i'd better go listen to it. your posts always make me feel better about life. we're all this together... gotta love high school musical;)

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  6. I love this song so much....almost as much as I love you **hugs**
    just remember that we all {your friends} know you're amazing, beautiful, talented, and simply wonderful. I don't say it often enough---but you inspire me, soul sis.

    {in the words of Lauren/Taylor Swift}, "Stay beautiful."

    <3

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    1. soul sis, i love you. you definitely know how to make someone's day. (:

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