I was in creative writing, undisturbed silence yet to be broken. Casually scrolling down my Pintrest homepage when... LAUGHTER. And not the little "hehehe" kind of laugh. It was more like "AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Then, as to be expected, everyone turned to me and asked the obvious question: What's so funny? I motioned to the picture above through my loud guffaws. A few giggled, some smiled, but no one genuinely laughed like I did. Then I realized why. I could relate.
If someone asked me my greatest fear, it'd probably be ending up alone. No family. No kids. Just me and my dog. All I've ever wanted is a husband and children of my own. Just the thought of not becoming a wife and mother scares me. A lot.
Lately I've been asking God what He wants me to do with my life, and I the results have been kind of baffling.
I think He wants me to be an English teacher.
A missionary English teacher.
Not a problem, right? I'm a writer by nature and my grammar is decent. I love kids and long to comfort the ones who need to be held. I could write on the side, just like I'd always hoped. It's my ideal job.
But what about the house I promised myself I'd build so my kids would always have a place to come back to? What about watching my husband playing with our kids in the front yard through the kitchen window? What about late-night coffee dates in the living room after the kids are asleep? What about the life I've dreamed of as long as I can remember?
My heart's sinking to my stomach as I write these words. It's breaking knowing that the life I've envisioned may never be real. But it's also telling me this is what I should do. That I should trust God with my future because He knows me better than I know myself. That He loves me and knows exactly where I'll be happiest.
"I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
--Jeremiah 29:11
I want to protest -- I want to yell NO. I don't want to prove everyone's assumptions right -- that I'll turn out to be the Jesus freaky missionary girl and never get married. Then He showed me this verse. Three times. Three times. And until this very moment, I wasn't sure why. But now it's all making sense.
"The Lord himself will fight for you." --Exodus 14:14
I don't have to defend myself. He'll fight for me. He asked me to be a missionary. And I think I'm ready to say yes.
pictures via pintrest
m'kay, that picture is hilarious....;)
ReplyDeleteIf you were just some blogger I didn't know very well, I'd say "Go for it! God's telling you to be a missionary! Drop everything and go!"
But you're not just some blogger...you're Anna. And therefore, I've gotta say the truth.
I think you were born to become a missionary/English teacher. You love little kids, you're an amazing writer, and people love you. But I also know that, like me, you're scared of being alone {duh, you said it yourself}. And that's why I believe you'll be one of those women who marries the man of her dreams and moves to a far-off country full of people who need God's love. You and your guy will be there for those people, and you'll both do incredible things.
Besides....who said your front yard {complete with husband and kids} couldn't look like a savannah? *wink wink*
God gave you those dreams of being a mother and a wife for a reason, dear. I don't think He'll force you to give it all up just yet.
{just promise, if being a missionary does work out, you'll take me with you ♥♥}
o.y.
ReplyDeleteI love that we almost always post on the exact same day :))))) soul-sisters much?
Anna, i just want you to know that you are such an inspiration to me! i can definitely relate on this one....i am often worried that i will end up alone and have considered going out with guys completely opposite of what i'm looking for in the guy i want to marry. but somehow i never do it, and God reminds me to just trust Him on this one--that it might be hard now, but when i meet that guy who fits the list i made of what i'm looking for in my future husband, it'll be sooo worth the wait! for now, just root yourself in Him who loved you before the world existed.
ReplyDeletelove you girl <3
~Chelsea<3
p.s. would you ever want to be pen pals?? :)
p.s. looove ur header :)
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you have a wonderful picture in mind of what your future will be like, and it must be hard to let that dream go. But remember, God's plans will not disappoint. And who knows, maybe you'll grow up, marry, have kids, and be a missionary family! :)
ReplyDeleteThis post makes me so happy. The verses, your story, and the picture at the very end... it just warms my heart.
ReplyDeleteOh, Annah. Can I just say this fear has gone through my head too? It definitely scares me. I love what you've written though, and the verses you've shared. Especially the one from Exodus. I need that one blown up super big on my wall.
ReplyDeleteannah with an h? that's so rad! but i'm just anna with an a, haha :)
Deletehaha! i've gotten used to spelling it that way for some reason and i knew you were just with an a and... i guess my brain decided to be different. i actually prefer it without an h.
Deletep.s. your posts aren't showing up in my google reader thingymabob. any idea why? i don't want to miss anything you say, it's all so beautiful!
ReplyDeletei'm not sure why! and i don't know what to do to fix it. i apologize!
DeleteI can relate. Lately I've been pondering on God's plan for my life- well, not really the plan, because I know I'm supposed to be in the school system as a teacher, but more of what he wants me to be doing right now with my time. I've figured out I love photography, writing, creativity, and music in the past year. It was hard to know why I loved those things, and where to put those things to good use. Still have lots of figuring out to do though.
ReplyDeleteanywaaaaaaay, beautiful post! The idea of traveling to different countries, and maybe never marrying doesn't sound to bad to me. (;
:D that's so awesome that you want to be a missionary english teacher!! I'm so glad I finally found a teen who's interests are similar to mine :). About a year ago, I felt God calling me to be a missionary to Japan. Most people would be surprised to learn that Japan's spiritual need is much deeper than they realize! I started learning Japanese this summer..... I've not been faithful to keep up with it, I'm sad to say :(.... That's the life of a teen in one word: busy. Lol, I can relate mostly to everything you've posted... except for the part about getting married and having kids. I wouldn't mind being single forever if God wanted me to :D. My mom and sis are positively against that: my sister is convinced I'll meet this awesome Japanese guy and have a whole bunch of half-Asian kids. I could see myself doing that.... if I was completely set upon it :). The last picture with the girl and the little girl reminds me exactly of my sister (I only have one) :D She wants to work with the 2 million orphans in Uganda :) She's still deciding though... I'm sorry this comment was so long :P just wanted to share that I find it so encouraging to find a girl so completely bent upon living out the life He as created her for :)
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you Anna! May I ask how old you are (sorry, I'm not trying to be a stalker... really!)?
your sister in Christ,
Rach D.
P.S. Jesus is my best Friend too :D
haha, no stalkerness! i'm 16 years old, a sophomore. and actually, i'm a 1/4 japanese! my dad is half, and my grandma was from there. she fell in love with my grandpa during the war and came back to america with him. -just a little background on me :)
Deletethat's really cool that you're a fourth japanese! yeah, sorry if I scared you with the creepy question :P.... I heard a lot of japanese that lived in america during the war were put in interment camps... I know a friend who's grandma was in one. Thanks for the background! I'm a freshman, and just turned 15 this January :)
ReplyDeletei know just how you feel. i've been feeling that way for about a year now. but i know that if a husband is meant for me to have, then i'll have one. if not, then i'll spend the rest of my life living for God. and frankly, that wouldn't be at all bad :)thanks for the encouragement Anna :)
ReplyDeleteand thank you for your sweet words, sydney! :)
DeleteThis is so interesting. I am about as far from a missionary wannabe as a girl can get, but I love reading about other religions/cultures. Can I be terribly rude and ask you a few questions? Okay...
ReplyDelete(1) Do you think being gay is 'wrong'--not nessecarily gay marriage, but fancying someone of the same sex?
(2) Being a missionary... Does this mean trying to convert everyone to Christianity or is just opening their eyes in general to religion and any kind of God?
(3) And would you ever marry someone who wasn't Christian, or who wasn't your denomination of Christianity?
Sorry for being nosey, and if you don't want to answer these questions, that's fine!
no, i don't mind answering your questions at all libby!
Delete1. yes, i do believe gay marriage is wrong. and no, i don't hate them. i just don't think their lifestyle is pleasing to God. also, i am not a 'homophobe.'
2. i don't like using the word convert. as a missionary, i want to open kids and adults eyes to the love that Jesus has to offer. i want them to know He wants a relationship with them, and that religion doesn't get you to heaven.
3. no, i wouldn't. as for denomination, it's not as important to me. i mean, i would like him to be, but if his faith in Jesus is strong and he really loves me, then no. he doesn't necessarily have to be.
and it's okay. i think we can all be nosey at times :)
I can' explain the way this post spoke to my heart. Ever since I was a little kid(3) I have felt drawn to help the needy in other countries, and I have thought God was maybe calling me to be a missionary. I have always pushed the thought out of my mind thinking that I had a long way till I was going to be old enough to even think about it. Your post has made me think that God was giving me those little thoughts for a reason. I definitely will pray about it. Thanks so much, your post meant allot.
ReplyDeleteEmilie
Anna,
ReplyDeleteI've mulled over what I'm going write for a few days now, and it may seem stupid, but you go, girl! <3 God has an amazing plan for your life, whether it means becoming a missionary and being forever single, or being a missionary and marrying, and having a gazallion kids. :) Praying for ya! And... I'm planning to do the same thing... :)
<3
Sarah