more heart, less attack

be the light in the crack
be the one that's mending the camel's back
slow to anger, quick to laugh
be more heart and less attack

--bear and bo, who pen inklings of me and put them to beautiful music

this year, i will live these lyrics. that's my only goal. i have been at college for four days now and this is all my heart can think about. i want to be noticeably different. not in the "oh look at that freak" kind of different (though i'm sure some will think that), but the "wow she is so sincere" kind of different. the "i want what she has" kind of different. the "maybe the reason she is genuine is because it's not her it's Jesus" kind of different.

matthew tells us that we are to be salt and light, bringing flavor and radiance to an otherwise bland and dark world. it seems to me that i need to invite everyone into my city on a hill, not just the ones that appear to be good candidates. each and every person that knocks on my door should be welcomed with open arms because they are a child of God.

"...let your good deeds shine out for all to see, so that everyone will praise your heavenly Father." --matthew 5:16

it is so easy to look past the people that are a little too clingy, a little too nosy, a little too partyish, a little too loud, a little too quiet, a little too good. what if Jesus had looked past you? what if He'd said "well anna's too insecure and always feels like she needs a friend. why should i die for her?" i need to clean my spiritual glasses, 'cause lately they've been foggy. rain would do me some good.

i stuck my hat out
i caught the raindrops
i drank the water
i felt my veins block
i'm nearly sanctified
i'm nearly broken
i'm down the river
i'm nearly open
i'm down the river
to where i'm goin'

blue like jazz is a good book

I don't think we get it. And by 'we' I mean Christians, myself included. I just finished reading Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller and it made me take a few steps back and think, "What am I doing? Am I really being Jesus to people? Do I really have faith? Is this real? Am I real?"

If you go get the book, don't automatically jump to the conclusion that I agree with everything in it. I don't. I don't think Christians should cuss just because and I certainly don't think South Park is a great show to watch (read the book, you'll understand.) I agree with about 90 something percent of it, and it's probably in my top three favorite books of all time.

We are called to love people, called to be different. We aren't doing that. Just look at how the media portrays us. We're seen as people who loathe homosexuals and non-Christians and Democrats. Reality check, they're people, too. And Jesus said to love everyone. Not just our brothers and sisters in Christ (which, by the way, is way harder than we say it is.)

And another thing, why are we so flustered by other Christians sinning? As if we don't? I have all these questions, healthy questions for a Christian college kid, I think.

“I believe the greatest trick of the devil is not to get us into some sort of evil but rather have us wasting time. This is why the devil tries so hard to get Christians to be religious. If he can sink a man's mind into habit, he will prevent his heart from engaging God. I was into habit.” 

I think maybe this has been me. Not completely, but kind of. I don't want to be religious though, I want to be the hands and feet of Jesus like I'm meant to. I want to see people through His eyes. That's what I want. And yet only God can rid me of me, piece by piece, lesson by lesson.

“At the end of the day, when I am lying in bed and I know the chances of any of our theology being exactly right are a million to one, I need to know that God has things figured out, that if my math is wrong we are still going to be okay. And wonder is that feeling we get when we let go of our silly answers, our mapped out rules that we want God to follow. I don't think there is any better worship than wonder.”

When did we lose sight of that? Following God isn't algebra II. It's not something that can be boiled down to an equation. God is God. I don't know anything, He knows everything. And because that's true, everything's gonna be okay. 

Jesus, people, music.

In t-minus two weeks, I'll be a high school graduate.  And while middle college has been one of the best times of my life, I still had some rough patches throughout the past few years.  I'm not the advice-giving type; I think experience is a better teacher.  And despite all my knowledge gained from sitting in class (Hah), I've learned these important truths about life.

Put Jesus first, and everything else will fall into place.
If you're a Christian, this seems like a no brainer.  But as a Christian, I know it's not.  Truly making Jesus your main priority is no easy feat.  It's a decision you have to make every day He chooses to wake you up.  You have to say, "God, I am going to try with everything that I am to live for You today.  I know I'll never be perfect, I need Your grace.  So give it to me as I attempt to navigate this life as a reflection of Your Son."  There's a joy that comes with reading His word even if it's just for ten minutes in the morning.  I know I have personally seen proof of this in my own life.  I once heard, "How do you expect to overflow onto others if you're not filling up yourself?"  True that, Sam.  True that.

People are important.
I mean this in couple different ways.  For a while, I thought I could be a loner and be okay with it.  Not only in the context of not having a romantic relationship, but believing I didn't need anyone to sustain me.  And while this is right to a point, because really Jesus is all anyone will ever need, it's completely wrong simultaneously.  You do need people.  You need friends who will share in your struggles, laugh at your lame jokes, and pray for you on the good and bad days.  Secondly, people are important because they are people.  They are God's creation, and they deserve to be treated as such.  Forming relationships with those outside your friend group is beyond essential to living a Christ-driven life.  And I don't mean just casual "Oh hi how are you" relationships.  I mean, actually be there for them.  Make sure they're okay.  Be Jesus to them.

Music gets you through.
Okay, so Jesus really gets you through.  But music helps.  A lot.  How grateful I am for people like Matt Thiessen, Matt Hoopes, Steve Moakler, Ben Rector, Bear and Bo Rinehart, Adam Agee, Jason Dunn... just to name a few.  They sing for kids (actually I'm an adult... *cries*) like me, a shout into the void with the hope that a heart will be touched.  Well you have guys.  You've helped shape who I was, who am, and will become.  You deserve the world.

So this is me, saying I still don't know who I am completely, just where I'm headed and Who will be there next to me.  But in my 18 years of existence, at least I've learned something.

today is a revival

for a while i'd been really... down. i wouldn't say depressed, because i wasn't. i still found reasons to laugh and food still tasted good. i didn't want to shut myself in a room and dim the lights to think sad thoughts. but i wasn't living life to the fullest. and my heart felt it.

it's a hard feeling to explain, i'm not even sure if it has a name, but it's somewhere between happy and sad. it wasn't really apathy (believe me, apathy and i are well acquainted) and it wasn't nostalgia. i wasn't missing the past, but at the same time, i wasn't looking forward to the future.

this may sound silly to some of you, and that's okay. it's the truth.

i wasn't seeking God, and my life felt purposeless.

sure, i was attending church on sundays and raising my hand in sunday school. i was singing the old hymns and the new praise and worship songs. but i wasn't truly trying to grasp Him, to reach out and take what He was offering me. i wasn't reading the Word outside of church, or praying for direction or to convey His love to others.

my mom noticed my change in behavior (she's a good mom like that) and pointed out i hadn't been spending time with God. i didn't want to admit it, but i knew she was right.

so we started doing morning devotion together. and as crazy as it may seem, i instantly noticed a change. the world felt more hopeful, my life more meaningful. i wanted to take chances, i wanted to know people, i wanted to take it all in.

God is what makes life good. 

He has given us so much to be thankful for. there is nothing to fear, and so many reasons to love.

in the words of steve moakler, "today is a revival." and you're more than welcome to attend.

new year \\ new poems

starting off the new year with writing a poem about my deepest fear, and how to conquer it.  a swell beginning, me thinks.

Run For Your Life

My blonde hair and brown eyes
so wide.  Your hand reaching
out, your arm dissolving the

distance.  Between you and me,
I wasn’t scared of anything.  Even
when the dark engulfed me and

the monsters lingered in my closet,
I knew I could run to you.  Brave
is what you made me.  Now

dark seems peaceful as I lay here,
moonlight sneaking past the blinds.
My head against the pillow,

thoughts as tangled as my brown
mane.  I close my tired eyes and try
to remember that solitude is not

the same as loneliness.  Independence
is not shameful, a man does not make
you beautiful.  Brave soul, don’t forget

that you are never alone.  And when
you fear that you are, start running.
Don’t stop until you’re home.

a.s.